There’s been many nights, certainly since I hit middle age, where I’ve come home from having an absolute stinker at football in Regent’s Park but the team still won and so my bad performance is overlooked.
Team.
It makes such a difference.
There's no hiding for the stand-up comic. There's no team. You're up there on your own. When it's going brilliantly, you revel in it. When it's going badly, you wallow in it.
And form is very much a thing in this game. In the last week, I've definitely had a little dip.
Tonight was an underwhelming one, though to be fair I wasn't quite wallowing. There wasn't enough of an audience for that. And that's the thing: it's these small empty nights where I can trip up.
It was a relief last summer doing various gongs in front of up to 300 people to know I was more than fine with all those people and all those lights. I was comfortable up there, in control of my nerves and audiences liked me, but the small nights that should be routine for me, that should cause no problems because I have come through so many potentially big tricky nights, are the ones that can throw me. They are so much harder than the nights where there’s barely anyone there and the few people that are there, you can see right into their eyes.
I approach every night the same, so it can't be complacency. Take today. I condensed the set into a 5, rehearsed during the day, ran through the set in my head several times on the journey in. I knew it. I'd even recorded it onto my phone in case I wanted to listen to it on the bus. The preparation, the discipline, it was all there. This isn't a hobby. This is work. This is serious. When every gig has the potential to go very wrong, you have to take this seriously. Sometimes I don’t even look forward to a show. That for me is a good thing. It tells me I’m approaching it like work and work, at least the non-creative work that involves having to be in an office for a set hour of days, with a boss on your case and some young line manager, that’s something I’ve never looked forward to. But every now and then for a regular wage I’ve had to do it. Treating stand-up in a similar fashion, in my book, is no bad thing. It’s not a game.
Tonight should not have been a problem. I've done the night before. It can be a challenging one. It can certainly be a long one. It's not the easiest space, but there are worse. Though none that smell worse. The host is definitely not joking when he plays up the unpleasant odour of what is actually, apparently, still an active sex dungeon on several nights a week.
Early on, I'd forgotten the newest bit of my new set. This has already been done live. I repeat, it shouldn't have been a problem. Thankfully, after close to a couple of hundred shows now, I have the skill to pull through, albeit through the skin of my teeth tonight. The difference is that usually I can instantly remember the bit I've forgotten. This time, that didn't happen.
I came off stage, immediately noting everything up in my notebook that you're reading here but even then, it was minutes before I recalled the segment I'd forgotten.
With a tough night, usually long-term the experience can be beneficial. I'm not sure yet what happened tonight. I think this speaks to something bigger in me. There is something in me that when it's not a backs-to-the-wall situation, something switches off. I’m at my best when the level of jeopardy is bigger. And I've got a lot of stuff I'm dealing with right now, as maybe you have, that's affecting me generally.
To be fair, apart from one act I really liked seeing for the first time tonight, I think every act had some difficulties. It was just one of those nights.
I didn’t have any other shows this week and you don't want a night like this to be your last gig of any week, but maybe a rest would be beneficial. And I came through the night.
A late night bowl of porridge when I get home just before midnight should help.
Own tonight.
Whatever happened out there tonight was down to me.
Forget about it by tomorrow.
On to the next show.
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