The numerous barriers standing between me and having a pet
The dog is a great pet, but it has a big design flaw
I’m not big on animals. I’m too much of a clean freak to be keeping pets and I’m a low-key guy too. I’d be uncomfortable living with a dog that was a regular yapper and maybe bringing me into conflict with neighbours.
I should stress, and the penny has finally dropped here, probably because I live alone and I can see how having a pet would help with the isolation, I do understand why people have such great love for their animals and how those dogs or cats can add to their lives. A friend was telling me this last week, as he tried to sell me on the idea of having a cat. The thing is, I’m actually wary of cats in a way I’m not of dogs. Cats tend to have better names, I’ll give them that, but their agility really bothers me. The way they can just jump and appear out of nowhere, that doesn’t really work for me.
Also, I’ve had one or two incidents in my life, particularly one that marked me, at the home of one of my oldest friends back in the spring of ’96. We’d been drinking very late, unwisely, given we had a football game in the morning for our Sunday League team, so I was staying over. He advised me to close the door to the spare room otherwise his cat would get in. Clearly, my door closing technique was poor that night and in the small hours of the morning, I found his cat on top of me and all attempts to get it off were countered by it pawing at me. That moment has never left me.
The following morning, the game kicked off with me relieved to be only a sub as I’d barely slept. Unfortunately for me, my friend and host the previous night had hit the booze so hard, playing at centre back he suddenly collapsed on his back twenty minutes into the match, unable to continue and I was forced to come on, where I came close to matching his disgraceful performance that day. So that’s the cat business covered. Let’s get back to the dogs, shall we?
When I see dog walkers having to SMALL talk with each other in parks, dialogue forced upon them after their two dogs start sniffing each other out, I know that would be a nightmare for me. While this side of the pandemic, I have evolved into a chattier person, consigning the introvert of the bulk of my life to the dustbin, SMALL talk-wise, I don’t think I’d be ready for SMALL talking with other dog owners.
Sometimes I’m walking through a park and a dog comes up to me and I’ve got nothing for them. No vocals, no stroking. Nothing. Owners expect everyone to be as comfortable with dogs as they are but I’m not. And the dog’s expecting some acknowledgement. It’s probably used to being fussed over. The owner is expecting the dog to get that acknowledgement. But I’m not one to give it and so my interaction with dogs tends to be limited to having to fend them off when attacked while out running. There’ve been one or two hair-raising moments on that front and usually the owner is slow to react as they’re on their phone.
A second-hand bookshop near me was known for a having a dog on its premises, and the dog was hugely popular with customers. I’m a huge reader and I love the idea of buying second hand books, and I do buy them (‘pre-used’ tends to be the term bandied about these days) but soon as I see some food stain on a page (or worse), my latex gloves, if not already donned, come on. It was a big enough event for me to be in a second-hand bookshop without the dog. But to be in the shop, looking at second hand books, touching books that were no doubt handled by customers who’d just stopped to stroke the dog, that was too much for me.
I stopped going there because of that and also because I always felt it was expected, not only by the shop owner, but by other customers, that I would acknowledge the dog. By chance one morning several years ago, I checked their website, and it mentioned the dog had sadly died. And I’ll confess, within the hour, I was back in that shop for the first time in years, browsing, free from the pressure of having to give the dog some recognition that maybe if I’d been the owner, I’d have had the foresight to think, ‘Not everybody is a dog person. I keep the dog in the shop, it might affect sales.’
Ultimately, while I can see what these pets bring to people’s lives, particularly with dogs, I don’t think that I am built to love an animal enough to follow it around a park with a bag to clean up after it. That’s not going to add anything to my life and as someone who will forever be haunted by the levels of dog muck, even now, in south London parks and on these muck-heavy streets, I can’t bring that daily visual into my life.
I don’t think that will ever change. I mean, that’s one of the first questions I have for the AFTERLIFE. “What was going on with the dog muck? How did this become acceptable in society?”
The dog is a great animal.
I’ve got to give it that.
But it has a massive design flaw.
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